Soo Tired

Remember when I was talking about wishing I could just “get in the zone” at will? Yeah, make that double today. I hate the finite resource that is mental energy. It's affected by some things we can control – sleep, diet, exercise, etc. – but it also seems just as much at the whims of the universe and our biochemistry.

I struggled at work today, struggled to do anything of import this evening, and now struggle to write. I feel like it's been a fairly wasteful day. Not entirely wasted – I did accomplish a thing or two here and there – but still an extremely inefficient use of a limited resource.

I feel like I waste a lot of my time in life, just struggling to get through another day. It's probably normal – or at least normal for someone with my level of mental health issues – but I still feel bad about it. Call if an “off day” or “focusing on self-care” or whatever. I still feel like I spend about 50% of my waking life just getting by.

And that's when I'm in an overall up state, too! Depressive episodes have been few and far between lately, which I'm happy about. Unfortunately, that apparently doesn't mean I get to operate at 100% efficiency. Or even 80%.

Grumble. At least I still make myself write every day, even if it's just nonsense like this.